Doubt, Dilemma and everything in between

Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you got it all planned and figured out and you so pumped up knowing you are in the right place at the right time with the right people and all of a sudden it hit you, you are not?

I’ve been talking with some people with the same fate as I am in at the moment. It’s terrifying. These are my mates back at college and now on the same workplace, they ain’t happy with everything that is going on.

What seem fine to me, to them it’s not tolerable. I listened to their hinaing in life then there’s me, affected na affected si ate gurl nyo.


“This is not a pharmacist should be and should be doing.”

“In other hospitals, the pharmacist’s life is the finest! Unlike here….”

“The rate is so much higher in this, in that blah blah keme…”

These are only some of the rants that affected me and made me think of going to another career path with promising offers. As a breadwinner, this really bothered me to the point that I asked people what it’s like in that field and assessed myself if I’m up for that. I have to make a decision for me to help a bit more in terms of finances. As a professional, pride comes in saying “You made it all the way out college and boards for what?? For this???? You think this is what you deserve for all the endless tears, prayers, late nights and long days????” This one has a point also. Plus, “This is not what you wasted half of your life with. Pharmacology and all the Chemistry there is, this is what you should enhance because you are a pharmacist.”


What if I pursue a different career path?

Would it be better?

Will I be satisfied?

Will life be much easier?

Here comes the ‘what ifs’ of life again. I imagined myself to the different fields I can make use of my license. I related to some tweets online wondering if they were signs.I was too affected knowing that I am one decision away from everything that is not this.

I decided to pray about it and the Lord never fails me. He brought me to the original plan I had back at college and everything that seems a blur became clear somehow. This brought me peace. I saw that I was impatient and He was not pleased about it. It seems like I don’t trust Him and began to figure things out by myself doubting His work in my life. As I listened to my mates’ dilemmas, I began to own it.

I remembered how I cautiously I plan everything after college. I remembered the reason why the Lord put me on this workplace, because it is what I prayed for and yet I wanted things to be on a fast-pace. With my parents sermons as well, this made me see that the work environment, the nature of work has a significant role for as these factors molds me to the future ‘me’ practicing my profession.

But I’m stubborn, I can’t stay at ease. I’ve read hundreds of job offers, searched hundreds of possibilities and end up frustrated. Fear of the unknown, fear of me boxed in my comfort zone and fear of what I may missed in this God-given lifetime is what eats me up most. Seeing elderly people and wondering what they’ve done, would’ve done and are they satisfied with the life they lived? Oh life!

As I go through The Book of Proverbs, the Lord assured me of something; knowledge. He is pleased with anyone who seeks knowledge. I read the things that will be given to you in pursuit of knowledge and its more promising than any job offer. And I’m set, this is what I should waste my life with.

Proverbs 8:35

35 For whoever finds me (knowledge) finds life,
And obtains favor from the Lord;


Perks of being a Hospital Pharmacist

Warning: This is a major sarcasm.

And yes, I’m still here after facing real world for like two months now. Keeping it real, I don’t know what I’m doing. I am now having doubts if my, shall I say, five years of sticking my head on books, notes, notes of others (mostly notes of others) are enough to sustain me in this reality. I have this feeling of incompetency but let me comfort myself by stressing that I’m a fresh graduate aye? This made me wanna go back to internship days. Hay.

The responsibility of a Hospital Pharmacist hit me real hard as I think to myself, ‘this is no joke’.

” Better health outcomes and quality health care lies on your hands as you dispense and counsel patients who, in exchange, put their trust on you. “

Di ko akalaing nasasabi ko yan ngayon na this time, I mean it. The weight of those words is actually kung ako langdi ko kaya eh. Heavy teh! Not only for the patient’s sake, you have to think about the people in your department, people outside your department at sa lahat pa na makakasalimuha mo. Di ko na alam kung saan ako naiistress.

 “There’s always a first time.” Motto ko ata  ito nitong mga nakaraang buwan. My list of ‘Firsts’ effortlessly became longer. There were good firsts then, there are the not-so-good firsts na during these moments I wish to just disappear and regret that I did what I did. The Lord never fails me; He still blessed me through my chief pharmacist. Thank you G!

May isa pa akong issue. Di na ko nakkapag church, it stings my heart. I kept on telling the Lord na Lord binigay mo sakin tong opportunity na to diba? Bakit naging opportunity din to na di ako makapag participate sa church activities? Anyayare Lord?

Di ko pa maadjust sarili ko sa timeframe ng trabaho ko. Time management in other words. Dami ko sanang gustong gawin pero nasstuck ako sa thought na kailangan ko bumawi ng tulog, ng pahinga as a result I find myself maghapon sa banig at walang naachieve. Sabi ko after boards get fit na ang goal bat ganto? Kala ko I can do what I want  pero feeling ko nakakulong uli ako sa isang routine, this time di na aral tulog, trabaho tulog naman seems unending pa. ANUNA

Deuteronomy: the Lord listened and faithfully granted one’s heart desire

Deuteronomy is a book of remembrance. It is written for the Israelite to remember the great things the Lord has done.

And I’m starting my Deuteronomy.

I wanna go back to that August 4, 2016, 10:00 AM – 02:00 PM.

This was a beautiful day intended for our Prayer and Fasting17571458_1522586801085340_2089315446_o

Messy handwriting, apologies. Then and there I poured my heart out to the Lord; declaring what I wanted things to turn out at the same time declaring that His will be done above all.

This was the first time I cried my heart out praying for the Licensure Examination. What I did next is I held on Psalm 37:4

” Delight yourself also in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart. ”

I did not compromise my responsibilities in my ministry. Guess I took “delight yourself in the Lord” literally hehe. Ah! One of my thanksgiving is finding a dormitory that really suit up to me and my super friends’ personality.

September came and reality hits. ‘This is it! Level 1 out of 3.’  Review school was very helpful (everything was summarized and was well-explained shall I say?) and draining but it depends on how the lecturer approach a module.

October, I said to myself this will end soooonnnn……

November 18, 2016 Modular happened. Wala talaga kong aral nung mga panahong to. Dito naigting talent ko sa testmanship. Mej proud me mehe. On the 25th, results came. 2 modules out of 6 ang pinasa ko. Yung last four modules na tinake ko na based sa mahabang panahon nang nabasa, stock knowledge at purely testmanship ayun medyo malayo sa katotohanan. Realizing  that, 1st ever attack of depression rushed all over. Knowing na sunod eh mock boards which is a real deal tapos 2 mos away boards na. This time I prayed again, may rumors na kasi na iresched ang boards so I clung to it. ‘Lord please, I need more time.’ 

During these what seemed winter to me, I found peace and comfort in the Lord’s word. Matthew 7:7 “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you” and the Parable of the persistent Widow (Luke 18:1-8)

Mother told me that this should not stop me from studying and focusing. Aral lang ng aral ng aral.

Somewhere in December, a news was relayed to us that the boards was moved on March 2017. I knew then, the Lord heard and answered my prayer.

January 18 and 19, 2017 Mock boards happened. I was pretty confident naman nitong mga panahong ito at ipinagpasa-Diyos ko yung mga hindi ko na ma-absorb. Before this, I cried for like more than a dozen just for me to pass the mock boards. The Lord never fails to surprise me. It was nerve-cracking, me waiting for the results, me wondering if my TOR will be released. God knows what I felt waiting, wondering until I finally saw my student number on the yellow lane which only indicates that I PASSED. High hopes indeed!

February, me and rest of the Chocos did their best to attend CT&FC. New infos streaming in, my mind was saturated. Ito na yung time na gusto mo namang  mag-aral pero ang gusto ng utak mo eh magpahinga, yung di ka naman antok pero nakakatulog ka, yung di ka naman gutom pero gusto mong kumain may magawa lang. Parang every other day ata akong nangungulit, pouring my heart out kay Lord reminding him of his promises and of His word; ipasa Niya ako sa lahat ng dapat kong ipasa.

March, 1 week before the boards. Chaos. Di ko na alam uunahin. Daming notes. Daming side notes. Lahat importante. One Youth Service message hit me, that “Why are you so afraid?”. Jesus was telling me this. He assured me that He is in control. But I was stubborn, I still fear what the unknown future might be though my God is known. I cried. I prayed. I cried.

One more thanksgiving, the school that was assigned to me was only one corner away from the dormitory and I was not alone. My worry to be late was destroyed immediately.

First day, I was awake all day. M1 confident pa ko eh pero nung M2 nkklk! Di ko alam kung may nabasa ba kong ganun or wala talagang nakakaalam kung saan galing mga questions. M3 pinagana ko na ang testmanship at more on comfort letter skills ko.

Second day, Di ako late. M4 mej tolerable, M5 not tolerable nakatulog pa ko kasi mali yung sleeping pattern ko at sobrang testmanship at comfort letter to the highest level, M6 mej antok pa din ako as a result ako yung pinaka-last to pass the exam thank God mahaba pasensya nung proctor! Then, I donated all of my pencils para di na ako bumalik dun kasi wala na akong pencil HAHA.

Overall, ipinagpasa-Diyos ko na talaga lahat. Ayaw ko nang makaramdam ng doubt, worry, fear or kung ano man.

And the waiting game commenced!

After the boards, ayaw kong umuwi. I didn’t want expectations na di ko alam if I will be able to meet or will I turn out to be a disappointment. I was bothered by this thoughts. I talked to mama and she said, ‘I-let go mo yan. Wag mong limitahan si Lord. After all, ito yung will niya para sayo.’ With all that, I was convinced plus wala na rin kaming tubig at pagkain sa dorm so might as well umuwi na nga lang haha.

March 14, 2017. On the17622238_1522754437735243_1711809989_o way to dormitory, I received a call. Akala ko normal chika call lang, nagabang pa ko ng chika. It was THE CALL pala. Thank you choco! We shouted. We cried. Friends congratulating. Di ako makapaniwala. Akala ko joke. Pero hindi PLE passer na ako. To God be the Glory!

The countless times I prayed, countless tears, countless late night thoughts, to those who cannot believe I did it and to everyone who included me to their prayer and rejoiced with me, to our pastor and rest of the church. It was all worth it. The Lord is faithful.

Now, let us be amazed on how the Lord will give us our heart’s desire!



Slow Clap for you, 2016

I know, it’s the last month of the first quarter of the year and yet I’m still clinging onto 2016.

Apologies, it’s just that 2016 has been a roller coaster ride for me towards my career and I saw that the Lord is faithful.

4th year student of the College of Pharmacy. Uhuh, something to be proud of indeed. This was the year when I got my first ever 5.0, definitely not something to be proud of, and the year when I was swarmed with dozen of remedial (not really a dozen but that was it felt like).

Everything was full-blown. I got so much responsibilities (until such time that I realized they’re not that much, ha ha); thesis, major subjects, even the minor subjects, plus other commitments. Thought I was drowning. To be clear, ministry never did became my problem during these times.

Worry, doubt plus confidence that is not in a good way are the recipe of my 2016. Though there was love also reserved for another story. Confidence is the reason why there is worry and doubt. I was so confident that my God has a plan, a future for me. I was so confident that this is His will for me without doing my part. Don’t get me wrong, God has a plan and a future for you and His will shall prevail in your life. Without doing my part meant was, I did not study well enough for my major subjects that cause me to take remedial. For what will God remind you if you did not study or even read? In my mind, I kept making excuses blaming thesis for it consumes all of my time yet I’ve got time for a chit-chat. Ridiculous isn’t it?

Then worry and doubt strikes. Worried if I’m gonna pass this and that. Doubting myself, my future. Will I be irregular? Will I graduate on time? I even imagined myself being an Octoberian. The enemy really did a good job at destroying my spirit.

This was the time I did not or somehow forgot to consult my King. I was so busy in the things that is piling up causing me to ignore Him. I relied on my own strength, my own capacity which obviously reached its limit. A total contrary of the Proverbs 3:5-6:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths.

It was by His grace, mercy and favor indeed that I graduated and got out of college. So please, learn from me. As my pastor used to tell us, “Do your part and God will definitely do His”. Which reminds me of the old saying, ” Nasa Diyos ang awa, nasa tao ang gawa.”